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In the immediate aftermath of losing a loved one to suicide, there is generally a lot of activity in a family. People are very thoughtful in sending over meals and other signs of thoughtfulness such as cards and flowers. These wonderful gestures of support last for several weeks and months. They eventually drop off as people move on in their lives and other activities take up their time and energy. It is not that they have forgotten but they have moved on.

Sometimes survivors hear comments or are asked the question such as “Aren’t you over this loss yet?” This could be after three or four months. Survivors become enraged at such a question or comment as well they should. People who don’t know the impact of a completed suicide of a loved one say such a thing because they have not experienced such a loss. They are not mean spirited or insensitive, they are merely ignorant of the fact that such a loss leaves an indelible mark on the psyche and soul of survivors.

Survivors’ lives are permanently altered by the death of a loved from suicide. Nothing is ever the same after  the death and friends and acquaintances oftentimes are ignorant of this fact. They want nothing but the best for survivors but they fail to realize that there has been a sea change in their lives and nothing is going to be the same after as before.

There is a letdown for survivors in very much the same way as there is a letdown when the summer season is over and people return to the mundane and the ordinariness of life –back to work and back to school. The good times of summer are over and there is a return to the ordinary activities of life. For survivors of a suicide there is a venture forth in a very new way of life and that is to create a life after the death of a loved one. This is a major adjustment in one’s life.

Survivors can experience a letdown from all of the attention that was afforded them in the immediate aftermath of a suicide. Survivors are challenged to realize that survivor’s lives are permanently altered but the lives of friends and acquaintances are not changed in that way. These friends and acquaintances are moving on with their lives and they expect the lives of survivors of a suicide to do the same. Such is not the case. Sometimes survivors experience disappointment when people fail to afford them what they (the survivors) feel is the proper support and understanding. 

Survivors can share a gentle reminder to friends and acquaintances that lives are permanently altered after such a tragic event and life will never be the same. It is not that life will never be enjoyed again or there will never be any pleasure in the life of a survivor because there will be good times and pleasure but everything is different as a result of losing a loved one from suicide. Survivors are not dragging out or prolonging the grief journey. They are just reacting to this fact of life that losing this loved one from suicide has left such a void.  One that can never be filled because this person is gone forever. That is a very cruel experience to absorb but that is what the grief journey is all about.

The journey is an experience whereby survivors learn to accept the fact that their lives are different and will never be the same. Survivors will always be frustrated if they try to get back the life they had before this loved one took their life. That aspect of life is over and a new life will evolve and be created once this fact is absorbed and believed and accepted. This takes time and patience. This part of the grief journey cannot be rushed or raced through. It takes time to evolve. Patience is a vital part of the grief journey. It can and will take place over time and a lot of hard work.

Keep On Keepin’ On,

Fr. Charles Rubey

Rev. Charles T. Rubey is the Founder and Director of Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide (LOSS) a non-denominational program offered by Catholic Charities of the Archdiocese of Chicago.  Starting in 1979 with one small group, LOSS has grown to be a leader in the field of suicide grief, offering support groups and counseling for survivors of all ages, in and around metropolitan Chicago.   ‘From the Desk of Father Rubey” appears as a monthly column in the LOSS newsletter and is reprinted here with permission.  For more information or to request a monthly copy of the LOSS newsletter, please contact LOSS.

Written by: Angie B. Prince
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There are no halls decked with holly
There are no people looking jolly…

There is no door bedecked with a wreath
Just two people swamped with grief…

There are no packages under a tree
And there's no tree, just you and me…

Life is not a bowl, and it has no cherry
Since we lost our child, our darling Merry…

There are Christmas cards from a few friends
Though you find friends are few when your child's life ends…

We do order movies, but they are all about grief,
For shedding our tears does bring us some relief…

There is no shopping, for we find we need no presents;
We just need mourning time as we long for our Merry's presence…

There is no church we can attend,
For, filled with Child-Loss Grief, we find there's no room in the Inn…


But, we do find our Savior hovering near
He brings us grace and even lends His sweet cheer…

For you see, tastes all change when your child dies;
All we need is comfort, and our Lord to wipe our eyes...

He surrounds us with constant reminders of His love
In His scriptures for the brokenhearted filled with Comfort from Above…

He reminds us there's sweetness in our grief with echoes from Above
Because when each tear falls, it's all about the child we both so deeply love…

And somehow He lets us know He understands
For the Son of God was also the Son of man…

For our Lord who was born on that first Christmas night
Was surrounded from day one with Death's horrendous blight…

He too was wounded and acquainted with grief
He knew the feelings of despair that brought Him no relief...

His Father, too, knows our pain from the very bottom of His heart
Because He too lost His precious Child, and the whole world turned dark…

The Holy Spirit comes and joins us in our pain;
He recognizes our grief in each wordless groan He makes…

So somehow, as this Christmas day draws near
Though our hearts are torn without our Merry here,
Our hearts are comforted as God: the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
So tenderly draw near…

Merry, precious Merry, how we miss you our sweet child
Though seasons come and seasons go,
Whether spring winds, summer rains, fall chills, or winter snow,
Our Lord understands that without you our darling child,
Our spirits, this side of Heaven, will be forever riled…

So my bereaved friends, amidst your grief and pain,
May you remember that our God and Savior do truly understand...


With our Lord's sweetest blessings,

 Merry Christmas to all 
and
a God-Blessed and -Comforted New Year!

​by Fr. Charles Rubey

As long as there are rituals these loved ones will always be a part of our families and part of a family system. They are gone but not forgotten.As we enter the month of November, we begin the holiday season.  For grieving people, this is a very painful time of year because a loved one has died.  When a loved one has died from suicide the family system has been permanently altered by a seemingly senseless act that with the proper intervention might have been prevented.
I am a firm believer that families that grieve together stand a better chance of coming to grips with the grief as compared to family members who go off and grieve on their own.  With the holidays approaching, I suggest that families gather together and have some type of ritual to remember that loved one who found life so painful that they could no longer endure the pain of mental anguish.  The ritual is a vehicle whereby a loved one can remain a part of a family, albeit in a different type of presence.  
Their presence is more mystical than physical, but they are present all the same.  They remain a part of a family system even though they have gone to the hereafter.  They still have a name and are loved by the survivors and have been a part of a family so why shouldn't they have a part in family festivities?  Will there be tears as they are remembered?  Probably yes.  Tears are OK.  Will these tears ruin the festivities for the rest of the participants?  I hope not. The alternative is to fake it through and not mention this loved one's name even though this name is on every person's mind and this person is very much missed.

I suggest that families confront the issue head on and then get on with the festivities.  Address the missing person directly and have some tears and then move on with the celebration.  To avoid this loved one can lead to guilt and remorse that this cherished name and person was avoided and ignored.  That is too high a price to pay along with the normal guilt and remorse that oftentimes accompanies a death from suicide. 
Some family members might choose not to participate.  That is OK.  It might be too much for them to endure.  They should not be penalized because they avoided the ritual.  It is important to remember that people grieve differently.  
Overall, I am a firm believer that as we remember our loved ones through rituals they continue to be a part of a family system.  Remember that a tragedy worse than losing a loved one to suicide is if these loved ones were to be forgotten.  As long as there are rituals these loved ones will always be a part of our families and part of a family system.  They are gone but not forgotten. 
It takes some creativity to get a ritual together.  The ritual can be very simple as a toast before a meal and wishing this loved one peace and goodwill.  The person's picture can be displayed in a prominent place of honor.  A candle can be lit in memory of this loved one.  A song can be sung or played in memory of this person.  A prayer can be offered or a scripture passage can be recited.  ... The important point is that these loved ones are remembered during these holiday times.  Will the gatherings be ruined by such a ritual?  I don't think so.  The first few holidays without this loved one take on a very different tone and are very painful.  Every succeeding holiday is different because this loved one is missing.  The ultimate goal is to be able to remember this loved one without going to pieces.  This takes time and a lot of practice.  The rituals help in the practice and allow family members to develop a comfort level with this missing person."
Excerpted from:  "From the desk of Father Rubey, Obelisk Newsletter, Nov 2005.  Father Charles Rubey is the Founder and Director of the LOSS Program, The Catholic Charities of the Archdiocese of Chicago.